Singles & Albums Sales Figures – Year to Date 24th May 2014

YTD up to 24th May 2014


Pos – YTD – Artist – Song

1 – 1,204,500 – Pharrell Williams – Happy
2 – 924,500 – Clean Bandit ft Jess Glynne – Rather Be
3 – 665,250 – Pitbull ft Ke$ha – Timber
4 – 561,500 – John Legend – All Of Me
5 – 461,500 – Route 94 ft Jess Glynne – My Love
6 – 419,000 – Mr Probz – Waves
7 – 416,500 – Katy Perry ft Juicy J – Dark Horse
8 – 391,500 – Sam Smith – Money On My Mind
9 – 379,000 – Sigma – Nobody To Love
10 – 364,000 – Avicii – Hey Brother
11 – 353,000 – Duke Dumont – I Got U
12 – 341,500 – Kiesza – Hideaway
13 – 320,250 – Will.i.Am ft Miley Cyrus etc. – Feelin’ Myself
14 – 314,250 – Idina Menzel – Let It Go
15 – 290,500 – Jason Derulo – Trumpets
16 – 271,500 – A Great Big World ft Christina Aguilera – Say Something
17 – 265,250 – Aloe Blacc – Man
18 – 258,250 – Ellie Goulding – How Long Will I Love You
19 – 257,750 – Gorgon City – Ready For Your Love
20 – 256,250 – Katy B – Crying For No Reason


Pos – YTD – Artist – Title

1 – 260,500 – Ellie Goulding – Halcyon
2 – 250,500 – Paolo Nutini – Caustic Love
3 – 197,250 – Beyonce – Beyonce
4 – 196,250 – Pharrell Williams – Girl
5 – 191,250 – Bastille – Bad Blood
6 – 188,000 – Paloma Faith – A Perfect Contradiction
7 – 179,750 – London Grammar – If You Wait
8 – 175,250 – Gary Barlow – Since I Saw You Last
9 – 172,500 – Arctic Monkeys – AM
10 – 168,048 – Coldplay – Ghost Stories
11 – 153,250 – George Michael – Symphonica
12 – 152,250 – Avicii – True
13 – 147,500 – John Legend – Love In The Future
14 – 128,000 – Elbow – Take Off & Landing Of Everything
15 – 123,250 – Sam Bailey – Power Of Love
16 – 119,000 – Rudimental – Home
17 – 116,750 – John Newman – Tribute
18 – 108,750 – Lorde – Pure Heroine
19 – 100,750 – One Direction – Midnight Memories
20 – 100,250 – Haim – Days Are Gone

Top 100 UK Most Downloaded Songs 2004-2014 

10 years since downloads were included into the main official UK chart, and no real surprises – although good to see Journey, Pogues and Goo Goo Dolls there by the fact they’ve been out longer than 10 years.

1. BLURRED LINES- Robin Thicke Featuring T.I & Pharrell 1,543,000
2. SOMEONE LIKE YOU- Adele 1,537,000
3. MOVES LIKE JAGGER- Maroon 5 Featuring Christina Aguilera 1,506,000
4. SOMEBODY THAT I USED TO KNOW- Gotye featuring Kimbra 1,424,000
5. I GOTTA FEELING- Black Eyed Peas 1,417,000
6. GET LUCKY- Daft Punk Ft Pharrell Williams 1,379,000
7. WE FOUND LOVE- Rihanna & Calvin Harris 1,337,000
8. WAKE ME UP- Avicii 1,313,000
9. HAPPY- Pharrell Williams 1,302,000
10. SEX ON FIRE- Kings Of Leon 1,293,000
11. CALL ME MAYBE – Carly Rae Jepsen 1,264,000
12. JUST THE WAY YOU ARE – Bruno Mars 1,247,000
13. PARTY ROCK ANTHEM – LMFAO feat. Lauren Bennett and GoonRock 1,229,000
14. GANGNAM STYLE – PSY 1,206,000
15. PRICE TAG – Jessie J feat. B.o.B 1,188,000
16. LOVE THE WAY YOU LIE – Eminem feat. Rihanna 1,173,000
17. TITANIUM – David Guetta feat. Sia 1,158,000
18. POKER FACE – Lady Gaga 1,131,000
19. LET HER GO – Passenger 1,114,000
20. ONLY GIRL (IN THE WORLD) – Rihanna 1,103,000
21. WE ARE YOUNG – fun. feat. Janelle Monáe 1,095,000
22. IMPOSSIBLE – James Arthur 1, 084,000
23. USE SOMEBODY – Kings Of Leon 1,068,000
24. THE A TEAM – Ed Sheeran 1,053,000
25. CHASING CARS – Snow Patrol 1,023,000
26. DIAMONDS – Rihanna 1,006,000
27. GIVE ME EVERYTHING – Pitbull feat. Ne-Yo, Afrojack, Des’ree and Nayer 1,005,000
28. ROLLING IN THE DEEP – Adele 1,002,000
29. FIREWORK – Katy Perry 996,000
30. BAD ROMANCE – Lady Gaga 993,000
31. LA LA LA – Naughty Boy feat. Sam Smith 988,000
32. DON’T STOP BELIEVIN’ – Journey 978,000
33. STARSHIPS – Nicki Minaj 974,000
34. SEXY AND I KNOW IT – LMFAO 967,000
35. f*** / FORGET YOU – Cee Lo Green 963,000
36. DON’T YOU WORRY CHILD – Swedish House Mafia feat. John Martin 954,000
37. GRENADE – Bruno Mars 949,000
38. FIGHT FOR THIS LOVE – Cheryl Cole 946,000
39. JAR OF HEARTS – Christina Perri 941,000
40. ROAR – Katy Perry 937,000
41. JUST DANCE – Lady Gaga feat. Colby O’Donis 919,000
42. COUNTING STARS – OneRepublic 910,000
43. PARADISE – Coldplay 903,000
44. MAKE YOU FEEL MY LOVE – Adele 897,000
45. EARTHQUAKE – Labrinth feat. Tinie Tempah 891,000
46. BENEATH YOUR BEAUTIFUL – Labrinth feat. Emeli Sandé 883,000
47. WHAT MAKES YOU BEAUTIFUL – One Direction 877,000
48. ON THE FLOOR – Jennifer Lopez feat. Pitbull 876,000
49. PASS OUT – Tinie Tempah 874,000
50. RULE THE WORLD – Take That 872,000
51. IN FOR THE KILL – La Roux 865,000
52. IRIS – Goo Goo Dolls 863,000
53. DOMINO – Jessie J 856,000
54. FEEL THE LOVE – Rudimental feat. John Newman 842,000
55. SCREAM & SHOUT – feat. Britney Spears 837,000
56. RUN – Leona Lewis 833,000
57. WHAT’S MY NAME? – Rihanna feat. Drake 829,000
58. MEET ME HALFWAY – The Black Eyed Peas 827,000
59. RATHER BE – Clean Bandit feat. Jess Glynne 820,000
60. WE NO SPEAK AMERICANO – Yolanda Be Cool and DCUP 811,000
61. HO HEY – The Lumineers 802,000
62. PAYPHONE (TRIBUTE TO PRECISION TUNES) – Maroon 5 feat. Wiz Khalifa 799,000
63. POMPEII – Bastille 794,00064. FIREFLIES – Owl City 792,000
65. THRIFT SHOP – Macklemore & Ryan Lewis feat. Wanz 790,000
66. LOCKED OUT OF HEAVEN – Bruno Mars 786,000
67. I KNEW YOU WERE TROUBLE. – Taylor Swift 784,000
68. YOUR SONG – Ellie Goulding 783,000
69. OMG – Usher feat. 783,000
70. FAIRYTALE OF NEW YORK – The Pogues feat. Kirsty MacColl 781,000
71. CALIFORNIA GURLS – Katy Perry feat. Snoop Dogg 778,000
72. JUST GIVE ME A REASON – P!nk feat. Nate Ruess 776,000
73. GOOD FEELING – Flo Rida 773,000
74. SKYFALL – Adele 768,000
75. AIRPLANES – B.o.B feat. Hayley Williams 766,000
77. EMPIRE STATE OF MIND – Jay-Z and Alicia Keys 761,000
78. DYNAMITE – Taio Cruz 758,000
79. KILLING IN THE NAME – Rage Against The Machine 758,000
80. VIVA LA VIDA – Coldplay 752,000
81. I’M YOURS – Jason Mraz 751,000
82. DANCE WITH ME TONIGHT – Olly Murs 748,000
83. MR. BRIGHTSIDE – The Killers 745,000
84. S&M / COME ON – Rihanna 744,000
85. HUMAN – The Killers 743,000
86. SEXY BITCH / CHICK – David Guetta feat. Akon 739,000
87. IF I WERE A BOY – Beyoncé 738,000
88. WILD ONES – Flo Rida feat. Sia 737,000
89. HALL OF FAME – The Script feat. 734,000
90. MIRRORS – Justin Timberlake 730,000
91. MAMA DO THE HUMP – Rizzle Kicks 728,000
92. LEGO HOUSE – Ed Sheeran 727,000
93. BOOM BOOM POW – The Black Eyed Peas 724,000
94. BROKEN STRINGS – James Morrison feat. Nelly Furtado 723,000
95. BAD BOYS – Alexandra Burke feat. Flo Rida 720,000
96. TROUBLEMAKER – Olly Murs feat. Flo Rida 718,000
97. THE LAZY SONG – Bruno Mars 717,000
98. THE MAN WHO CAN’T BE MOVED – The Script 713,000
99. SINGLE LADIES (PUT A RING ON IT) – Beyoncé 711,000
100. WAITING ALL NIGHT – Rudimental feat. Ella Eyre 710,000



Pos – YTD – Artist – Song

1 – 1,037,250 – Pharrell Williams – Happy
2 – 792,500 – Clean Bandit ft Jess Glynne – Rather Be
3 – 601,750 – Pitbull ft Ke$ha – Timber
4 – 335,250 – Route 94 ft jess Glynne – My Love
5 – 324,500 – Avicii – Hey Brother
6 – 314,500 – Katy Perry ft Juicy J – Dark Horse
7 – 308,000 – Sam Smith – Money On My Mind
8 – 287,500 – Will.i.Am ft Miley Cyrus etc. – Feelin’ Myself
9 – 271,250 – Jason Derulo – Trumpets
10 – 259,250 – John Legend – All Of Me
11 – 234,750 – Katy B – Crying For No Reason
12 – 221,750 – Gorgon City – Ready For Your Love
13 – 220,000 – Duke Dumont – I Got U
14 – 219,250 – Ellie Goulding – How Long Will I Love You
15 – 215,750 – A Great Big World ft Christina Aguilera – Say Something
16 – 212,250 – Beyonce ft Jay-Z – Drunk In Love
17 – 188,250 – Zedd ft Hayley Williams – Stay The Night
18 – 184,250 – Neon Jungle – Braveheart
19 – 182,750 – Fuse ODG – Million Pound Girl (Badder Than Bad)
20 – 179,000 – OneRepublic – Counting Stars


Pos – YTD – Artist – Title

1 – 233,500 – Ellie Goulding – Halcyon
2 – 180,000 – Beyonce – Beyonce
3 – 167,000 – Bastille – Bad Blood
4 – 153,000 – Pharrell Williams – Girl
5 – 147,000 – London Grammar – If You Wait
6 – 142,500 – Arctic Monkeys – AM
7 – 132,500 – Avicii – True
8 – 121,500 – Gary Barlow – Since I Saw You Last
9 – 114,000 – George Michael – Symphonica
10 – 106,250 – Rudimental – Home
11 – 103,000 – John Newman – Tribute
12 – 94,500 – Sam Bailey – Power Of Love
13 – 91,500 – Lorde – Pure Heroine
14 – 91,000 – Bruce Springsteen – High Hopes
15 – 89,250 – Elbow – Take Off & Landing Of Everything
16 – 84,500 – Disclosure – Settle
17 – 84,500 – Haim – Days Are Gone
18 – 81,750 – Paloma Faith – A Perfect Contradiction
19 – 80,750 – One Direction – Midnight Memories
20 – 79,000 – Robbie Williams – Swings Both Ways

Worldwide Best selling singles of 2013

Sales data from 1st January 2013 to 17th December 2013

1. “Blurred Lines” Robin Thicke ft. T.I. & Pharrell Williams – 11,553,000
2. “Get Lucky” Daft Punk ft. Pharrell Williams – 9,009,000
3. “Wake Me Up” Avicii – 8,449,000
4. “Thrift Shop” Macklemore & Ryan Lewis ft. Wanz – 8,367,000*
5. “Just Give Me A Reason” P!nk ft. Nate Ruess – 7,507,000
6. “Roar” Katy Perry – 7,359,000
7. “Can’t Hold Us” Macklemore & Ryan Lewis ft. Ray Dalton – 6,576,000
8. “Scream and Shout” Will.I.Am ft. Britney Spears – 6,149,000*
9. “Radioactive” Imagine Dragons – 6,061,000*
10. “Stay” Rihanna ft. Mikky Ekko – 5,848,000
11. “Mirrors” Justin Timberlake -5,615,000
12. “When I Was Your Man” Bruno Mars – 5,583,000
13. “Let Her Go” Passenger – 5,423,000
14. “Locked Out Of Heaven” Bruno Mars – 5,388,000*
15. “Ho Hey” The Lumineers – 5,178,000*
16. “Royals” Lorde – 4,929,000
17. “I Knew You Were Trouble” Taylor Swift – 4,596,000*
18. “Counting Stars” OneRepublic – 4,141,000
19. “I Love It” Icona Pop ft. Charli XCX – 4,060,000*
20. “Wrecking Ball” Miley Cyrus – 4,056,000
21. “We Can’t Stop” Miley Cyrus – 3,903,000
22. “Diamonds” Rihanna – 3,740,000*
23. “Applause” Lady GaGa – 3,734,000
24. “Don’t You Worry Child” Swedish House Mafia ft. John Martin – 3,732,000*
25. “Treasure” Bruno Mars – 3,642,000
26. “Suit And Tie” Justin Timberlake ft. Jay-Z – 3,564,000
27. “Feel The Moment” Pitbull ft. Christina Aguilera – 3,511,000
28. “Safe And Sound” Capital Cities – 3,377,000
29. “Try” P!nk – 3,268,000*
30. “La La La” Naughty Boy ft. Sam Smith – 3,060,000
31. “Holy Grail” Jay-Z ft. Justin Timberlake – 3,029,000
32. “Hold On We’re Going Home” Drake ft. Majid Jordan – 3,006,000
33. “Cruise” Florida Georgia Line ft. Nelly – 2,934,000*
34. “Burn” Ellie Goulding – 2,861,000
35. “I Need Your Love” Calvin Harris ft. Ellie Goulding – 2,859,000
36. “Summertime Sadness” Lana Del Rey – 2,739,000
37. “The Monster” Eminem ft. Rihanna – 2,723,000
38. “Troublemaker” Olly Murs ft. Flo Rida – 2,698,000*
39. “Love Me Again” John Newman – 2,588,000
40. “Girl On Fire” Alicia Keys ft. Nicki Minaj – 2,515,000*

– Singles that have (*) next to the number were released in 2012 or earlier, so this figure doesn’t represent their total sales.

What we’ve learned so far….

1. Bond star Daniel Craig does not like his knees.
More details (Daily Telegraph)

2. In China, crowded public swimming pools are called boiling dumplings.
More details (Financial Times)

3. People eat Christmas trees.
More details

4. Goats have accents.
More details

5. Authors who finish other writers’ works are known as “continuators”.
More details

6. A horse fly is named after Beyonce.
More details (Daily Telegraph)

7. State workers in South Carolina answer the phone with, “It’s a great day in South Carolina.”
More details (New York Times)

8. There are 364 different ways to mis-spell the name of the Welsh village Betws-y-Coed.
More details

9. Moths have a taste for Chardonnay.
More details

10. More babies were born in the UK during 1920 than in any other year.
More details

11. The world’s hottest chilli pepper can burn its way through gloves.
More details (Metro)

12. The average US share holding lasts 22 seconds.
More details (Daily Telegraph)

13. The early horse shrank to the size of a cat.
More details (New York Times)

14. King’s Lynn is the caravan capital of England and Wales.
More details

15. Fans of snowdrops are known as galanthophiles.
More details

16. Hitler was embarrassed about a photograph showing him wearing lederhosen.
More details (The Times)

17. Lizards can survive a spin in the washing machine.
More details

18. Female fish fancy males who flirt with other males.
More details

19. Lord Byron was one of the first diet icons.
More details

20. Spiders appear bigger when you’re afraid of them.
More details (Daily Telegraph)

21. The longest word ever used in the House of Commons is floccinaucinihilipilification.
More details

22. Horses can be borrowed from the Metropolitan Police.
More details

23. Wearing a white lab coat helps you perform better in tests.
More details (Daily Mail)

24. Richard Dawkins invokes God when flustered.
More details (Daily Telegraph)

25. Birds take “girls only” holidays
More details

26. Bees have different personalities and some are thrill-seekers.
More details (Science News)

27. Sex-starved fruit flies turn to drink.
More details

28. Barack Obama knows sign language.
More details (Storyful)

29. The first silicone breast implant was carried out on a dog called Esmerelda.
More details

30. Ernest Hemingway cried after he was forced to shoot his injured cat.
More details

31. A tweet by Jamie Oliver is worth $3,250 (£2,044).
More details (The Guardian)

32. Ants inoculate themselves by licking each other.
More details (New Scientist)

33. Holding a gun makes someone look taller.
More details (Slate)

34. A dog can be best man at a wedding.
More details

35. The polar bear is 450,000 older than previously thought.
More details 

36. Bob Marley banned smoking at home.
More details

37. Robert Redford didn’t want to include hit song Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head in the 1969 film Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.
More details (Metro)

38. Occultist Aleister Crowley had his own chess column in the Eastbourne Gazette.
More details (Twitter)

39. Listening to opera helps mice recover from heart surgery.
More details (New Scientist)

40. Timbuktu is twinned with Hay-on-Wye in Wales.
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41. Bees don’t like babysitting their nephews and nieces.
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42. David Cameron thought LOL was shorthand for “lots of love”.
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43. A woman’s “gaydar” improves when she is ovulating.
More details (Daily Telegraph)

44. Beetles like living near street lights.
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45. On a French keyboard you have to press the shift key to get a full stop.
More details (The Financial Times)

46. Beijing has a “two flies” rule in its public toilets.
More details (The Times)

47. Roy Hodgson is in the acknowledgments of Sebastian Faulks’s novel A Week in December.
More details (The Independent)

48. The tastiest tomatoes are not uniformly red.
More details (Economist)

49. Rihanna has sold more UK singles than the Rolling Stones.
More details (The Times)

50. Only two countries retain the definite article in English – The Bahamas and The Gambia.
More details

51. Enoch Powell used to do impressions of Antiques Roadshow.
More details (New Statesman)

52. The US government is sceptical about the existence of mermaids.
More details (Slate)

53. One in three South Koreans follow Manchester United.
More details (The Times)

54. It takes more energy to sit through a 15-minute meeting than it takes Usain Bolt to run three Olympic 100m races.
More details (Economist)

55. Female crickets eat male virgins.
More details

56. Jumping off a tall building wearing Batman’s cape would result in a crash landing at 50mph.
More details (Economist)

57. The Nazis plotted to kill Sir Winston Churchill with an exploding bar of chocolate.
More details (Daily Telegraph)

58. Mexicans drink more bottled water per capita than any other country.
More details (New York Times)

59. ANC guerrillas contacted London to get the exact wording of a speech from Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar.
More details (Financial Times)

60. A patas monkey would beat Usain Bolt’s 100m world record by three seconds.
More details

61. Men’s brains are designed to shut down after sex.
More details (Sunday Times)

62. The US airforce trains more drone pilots than actual pilots.
More details (The Times)

63. The earliest known use of “OMG” was in a 1917 letter to Winston Churchill.
More details (New York Magazine)

64. Olympic swimmers pee in the pool.
More details (Evening Standard)

65. When a player signs for Man City, the club already knows his girlfriend’s taste in restaurants.
More details (Financial Times)

66. In Italian, there is a word for a summer hit song that is played everywhere you go – tormentone.
More details

67. The favourite number of Count von Count from the Muppets is 34,969.
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68. Chimpanzees have a secret handshake.
More details (Daily Telegraph)

69. A hurricane can make the Mississippi River run backwards for 24 hours.
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70. There has only ever been one Secretary of State for Wales named Jones.
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71. Spoof disaster movie Airplane! elicits three belly laughs per minute from viewers – more than the Life of Brian’s 1.2.
More details (The Mirror)

72. Only two flavours – chocolate and lavender – are interpreted the same way whether eaten or smelt.
More details (The Telegraph)

73. The average Mexican eats 430 eggs each year, the highest per capita amount of any nation.
More details (NPR)

74. The oldest dental filling has been found in a Stone Age tooth.
More details (New Scientist)

75. Ed Sheeran is the most pirated artist in the UK.
More details (The Sun)

76. One in every 10 people uses the same Pin number – 1234.
More details (The Guardian)

77. Bexhill, Sussex, has more centenarians per head of population than anywhere else in the UK.
More details (Daily Telegraph)

78. Honey can turn blue and green.
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79. Shadow business secretary Chuka Umunna was part of the choir that sang the theme tune to Mr Bean.
More details (Daily Telegraph)

80. The Duchess of Cambridge grows her own potatoes.
More details (Daily Mirror)

81. People prone to feeling guilty make for the best friends.
More details (Daily Mail)

82. Women get more stressed than men when they read bad news stories.
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83. Men named Brian and women called Helen have the best credit profiles in the UK on average.
More details (Daily Mail)

84. Michael Fish has about a hundred fish-themed ties.
More details (Daily Telegraph)

85. Flying ant day is a myth.
More details

86. Some 10% of UK lottery millionaires buy a caravan.
More details (The Guardian)

87. It takes six hours to reset Big Ben from BST to GMT.
More details (The Times)

88. Watching a horror film burns more calories than movies of other genres.
More details (The Guardian)

89. Ikea has sold over 11 billion meatballs in the UK.
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90. Mars has soil similar to Hawaii’s.
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91. New Scotland Yard is actually New New Scotland Yard.
More details

92. Abraham Lincoln is the US president who has been portrayed most on film.
More details (Slate)

93. The staff carried by the next Archbishop of Canterbury Justin Welby has a rock badger carved on it because he once burst out laughing while reading aloud in church a biblical passage about the animal.
More details (Daily Telegraph)

94. There used to be first-class carriages on London’s Tube and the Paris Metro.
More details

95. Virgin birth is possible for wild snakes.
More details

96. People are more likely to spend banknotes when they are grubby.
More details (Daily Telegraph)

97. Men with a partner increase the space between themselves and an attractive woman if exposed to the bonding hormone oxytocin.
More details (New Scientist)

98. Nude dancing in strip clubs is a form of free speech in the US.
More details

99. The perfect number of baubles on a Christmas tree is 0.206 multiplied by the height of the tree in centimetres.
More details (The Sun)

100. Great apes have mid-life crises.
More details

Social Media and the law

The actual CPS page is here,  but in a nutshell;

If YOU send a text message, voice mail, or email to anyone or get someone to send it on your behalf and that message is nasty, abusive or mean and makes the person receiving it upset or worried

If YOU send malicious lies about others in text messages or emails or any other method of communication (blogs)


While there is not a specific criminal offence called cyberbullying, activities can be criminal offences under a range of different laws, including:

. The Protection from Harassment Act 1997

. The  Malicious Communications Act 1988

. Section 127 of the Communications Act 2003

. Public Order Act 1986

. The Defamation Acts 1952 and 1996

Cyber Bullying is using any form of technology to abuse or threaten another person. Examples include:

  • Sending harassing text messages
  • Making malicious/abusive phone calls
  • Taking a picture/video of people on mobiles and passing these around for amusement
  • Writing threatening E-mails
  • Being abusive in chat rooms
  • Writing nasty things about people in websites
  • Sending nasty instant messages
  • Breaking into someone’s e-mail account to send nasty messages to others
  • Standing by and watching others do any of the above

Facebook Spotted… you’re being watched!


Bradley Wiggins, Boris Johnson and Ian Holloway named as Britain’s greatest living wits 

  • ·         Bradley Wiggins takes gold as ‘king of the quips’
  • ·         Stars from sports, politics, television, film and music make top ten
  • ·         Top three wits invited to perform at Dave’s Leicester Comedy Festival

Olympic and Tour De France cycling champ Bradley Wiggins has been named as Britain’s greatest living wit. The 2012 Sports Personality of the Year triumphed over a host of witty celebrities from the diverse fields of sport, politics, music and film in a nationwide poll to be named king of the quips.

Over 2,000 British adults took part in the survey, which was specially commissioned to mark the start of Dave’s Leicester Comedy Festival8th – 24th February 2013.  A panel from the comedy channel compiled a shortlist of the 25 wittiest British celebrities of recent years, taking care to exclude professional comedians and those working directly in the field of comedy.  The shortlist was then put to the public vote to find Britain’s greatest wits.

Cycling hero Bradley Wiggins emerged triumphant with over a fifth of the public vote (20.75%) with comedy lines such as “we’re just going to draw the raffle numbers now,” as he started his speech to the crowds on the Champs Elysees who had come to witness his Tour de France victory.

Mayor of London Boris Johnson came in at second place with 17.65% of the vote.  The London leader’s knack for a witty quip was summed up in his observation of extra-curricular activities in the Olympic Village during the 2012 Games in London; “Inspire a generation’ is our motto. Not necessarily ‘Create a generation’ … which is what they sometimes get up to in the Olympic village.

Third place went to the much loved Ian Holloway (14.30%), manager of football club Crystal Palace, with witticisms such as; “Right now, everything is going wrong for me – if I fell in a barrel of boobs, I’d come out sucking my thumb!”

Completing the top ten are Top Gear’s Jeremy Clarkson, musicians Robbie Williams, Noel Gallagher and Rod Stuart, The Apprentice’s Lord Sugar, actor Colin Firth and TV presenter Ant McPartlin (full results listed below).

Overall Top 10 Wittiest British Celebrities (including example material)



Bradley Wiggins – When making a speech to the Champs Elysées crowds who had come to see his Tour de France victory: “We’re just going to draw the raffle numbers now.”

 On winning Sports Personality of the Year: “Nan, the cheques in the post, because you hit redial god knows how many times.”

After someone threw tacks on the road, causing punctures for a number of riders: “There are hopefully enough police on this race to find the people and… send them to a football match or something.”

‘I was disappointed when you didn’t go to jail for insider dealing or phone hacking, but you know, each to his own’ – TWITTER response to Piers Morgan who said he was ‘dissapointed Bradley didn’t sing the national anthem



Boris Johnson – On extra-curricular activities in the Olympic village: “Inspire a generation’ is our motto. Not necessarily ‘Create a generation’ … which is what they sometimes get up to in the Olympic village.”

On becoming Prime Minister: My chances of being PM are about as good as the chances of finding Elvis on Mars, or my being reincarnated as an olive.”

Talking about if Ken Livingstone did a good job as a major Nothing immediately springs to mind. I think losing the election last time was one of his most magnificent acts.”



Ian Holloway – “Right now, everything is going wrong for me – if I fell in a barrel of boobs, I’d come out sucking my thumb!”

 “I love Blackpool. We’re very similar. We both look better in the dark.”

After QPR beat Cardiff: “I couldn’t be more chuffed if I were a badger at the start of the mating season.”



Lord Sugar – To Apprentice candidates: “I’ve read all your CVs and on paper you all look good, but so does fish and chips.”

 To an Apprentice candidate: “You remind me of one of those knock-off DVDs. At first glance quite convincing, but afterwards you’re just impossible to follow.”

On how to dress for an interview “Turning up looking scruffy is not good. Then again, if you’re going for an interview with Richard Branson, and you’re in a T-shirt with half your breakfast down the front of it, he might think that was cool.”



Jeremy Clarkson – “I don’t understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?”

 “If all the creatures on earth were the same size, it’s said a lobster would have the smallest brain. But then someone invented Wayne Rooney.”

“This is a Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that’s much to shout about. That’s like saying ‘Oh good, I’ve got syphilis, the best of the sexually transmitted diseases!”



Robbie Williams – “I am the only man who can say he’s been in Take That and at least two members of the Spice Girls.”

 “Madonna looked amazing. I can’t believe she’s 89 and looks like that.”

 “I met Courtney Love and she said she’d like to sleep with me, but she couldn’t cos of my “pop-star thing”… so I said to her I couldn’t sleep with her either – cos of her ‘ugly thing’…”



Noel Gallagher – On his brother Liam: “He’s the angriest man you’ll ever meet, a man with a fork in a world of soup.”

 On Wayne Rooney’s hair transplant: “I’m not having it, He looks like a f**king balloon with a f**king Weetabix crushed on to it.”

 “Liam only has two problems – everything he f**king says and everything he f**king does.”



Rod Stewart – “Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.”


“I’ve been lucky with my hair.  I couldn’t deal with it if I’d run out of barnet.  Imagine me with a Bobby Charlton comb over.”

 “It’s often said that a band is like a family, and that may well be true, depending on how often your family is tired and drunk.”



Ant McPartlin – “Our first flat, in South-West London, was a pig-sty. Peter Andre lived in the flat above us and in the evenings he’d go to the gym while we’d be working on our own six packs – of beer.”

 “Sony Records approached us to make the official England World Cup single. Our first reaction was: ‘Didn’t you ever hear any of our music?’”

 “We were pensioned off at 18. Even though Byker Grove was a success the BBC wanted to appeal to younger viewers. To be fair, real-life 18-year-olds don’t hang around youth clubs.”



Colin Firth – “Colin is the sort of name you give your goldfish for a joke.”

 “My singing voice is somewhere between a drunken apology and a plumbing problem.”

 On Hugh Grant potentially retiring from acting: “All we can do is hope and pray.”

                                                                                                                                                                                   Female celebrities failed to make their mark in the overall top ten line-up.  From those that comprised the shortlist, Strictly Come Dancing’s Claudia Winkleman and pop star Lily Allen led the way for the girls, with controversial reality TV favourite, Sharon Osbourne following closely behind.

 Steve North, General Manager of Dave, comments, “Britain is a hotbed of comedy talent and it’s clear you don’t have to be on the comedy payroll to get the nation laughing, as our top ten of Britain’s greatest living wits encompasses celebrities from diverse fields including the worlds of sport, music, film and politics. Our winner, Bradley Wiggins has a special place in the nation’s heart which seems to be on account of his red hot wit as well as his incredible sporting abilities. We have extended invitations to all those in the top three to appear at this year’s Dave’s Leicester Comedy Festival and hope they will agree to appear.

Top 3 Wittiest Female British Celebrities (including example material)

*all placed outside of overall Top 10

= 1 3.85% Claudia Winkleman – “To be a TV presenter all you have to do is dye your skin a walnut colour, use an entire eyeliner stick on each eye and try not to fall over while you’re reading from an autocue.”


On her job: “I just flounce in and ask people some stupid questions and then come home again. And it won’t last long because I’m 94 so it’ll end any minute and I’ll have to find something else to do.”


“I don’t work very hard, I dye myself orange and I read out loud in the months from September to December when Strictly is on.”

= 1 3.85% Lily Allen – “I was a drug dealer in Ibiza at 15. I did not excel in drug dealing – I was terrible at it. Golden rule with drug dealing – don’t get too enthusiastic with your own merchandise.”


I’d like to say work and sex have replaced drugs but there’s not been enough time off work for sex. This must change.”


Of her song ‘F**k You’: “I’d like to dedicate this next song to someone. David Cameron.”

3 2.65% Sharon Osbourne – “If anybody says their facelift doesn’t hurt, they’re lying. It was like I’d spent the night with an axe murderer.”

On Prince Harry’s naked escapades: “Fabulous. I was really upset I wasn’t there because I could have had a good look and a grab.”

“Have you seen U2’s live show? It’s boring as hell. It’s like watching CNN.”

Dave’s Leicester Comedy Festival runs from the 8th – 24th February 2013.